Tag Archives: Marriage Enrichment

“Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Now out of the ground the LORD God had formed every beast of the field and every bird of the heavens and brought them to the man to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:18-24)

Over the past few weeks I have been sharing some suggestions for your consideration in order to strengthen marriages.  Today, I am going to share my last suggestion to aid each of us to have the type of great marriage the Lord intends for us to have and enjoy.

Suggestion #4 – Strong marriages have wives who follow the Biblical model given to them by the Lord.

It is nearly impossible to understand the type of woman the Lord wants a wife to aspire without consulting Proverbs 31:10-31

A Godly Wife is Priceless

In Proverbs 31:10, the question is asked, “A wife of noble character, who can find?” and goes on to say, “She is worth far more than rubies.” 

What a powerful statement to the world proclaiming that if one manages to find a Godly wife, she is priceless and extremely valuable.

A Husband’s Attitude towards a Godly Wife

Proverbs 10:11-12 – “The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” 

A Godly wife has her husbands’ trust and confidence. She is an absolute asset to him. He knows she will not do anything to cause harm nor will she betray him.  She strives to give him everything the Lord values; her patience, kindness, and love.  She does not become involved in gossip or slander.  She prays for her husband (and family) and protects his name.

A Godly Wife Manages the Home

Proverbs 31:13-19 – “She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle.” 

A Godly wife is one who sees that the home is functioning properly.  She makes sure her family is fed wholesome, nutritious meals.  She is wise with the family budget and contributes financially.  If a wife does not work outside the home, she can contribute by using money wisely, and taking care of the finances.  A Godly wife also maintains a positive relationship with any service people.  She takes great pride and responsibility in the running of her home in order to bring glory to her husband.

A Godly Wife is Kind to Those Less Fortunate

Proverbs 31:20-27 – “She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.” 

A godly wife makes sure her family’s needs are always met and is resourceful.  Godly wives make a good appearance for not only themselves and for God, but so that their husbands are respected.  They do not do anything through either word or deed to draw unwanted attention or criticism.

A Godly Wife’s Is Faithful

Proverbs 31:28-31 – “Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.” 

God blesses those who are faithful to His word, and wives are to be faithful to their husbands.  Wives who bring glory to their husbands, bring glory to God.  Her children admire and love her, and her husband is happy and is constantly praising her.  Others talk about her favorably, and she is rewarded by God.

A Godly Wife is Submissive “in the Lord”

Ephesians 5:22-24, 33 – “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

God’s plan for the Christian marriage is given here. Marriage is sacred and God wants men and women to marry and live with their mates until death parts them (Romans 7:l-2). The wife is commanded to obey her husband. The exception is if the husband demands anything of her which is morally or spiritually wrong, she must obey God rather than her husband (Acts 5:29). This is to be a voluntary submission on her part.   She does not have this obligation to every man, just her husband.

Some Practical Suggestions for a Godly Wife

1. Remember why he fell in love with you in the first place – Remember and build on it. Don’t stop the courtship.

2. Be his wife not his child – Learn to handle difficulties like an adult. Be a helper and not a burden. He will appreciate you more if you are a “trooper” when the going gets rough!

3. Build him up – No one on earth can build him up as high as you can, and by the same token, no one on earth can tear him down as low as you can. If there is some way you want him to change or develop, encourage him in that direction, but don’t try to push him! Be very considerate of his feelings.

4. Strive to live on his salary – Make him feel like he is a very good provider.  Never make him feel that he is a failure as a provider.

5. Make home a refuge for him – Most men don’t notice if a house is deep-down clean, but they notice if it is upside down. Feed him meals he enjoys. Make sure he realizes that he is more important to you than your parents or your children. Make him glad he came home. Make it obvious to children as well as friends that he is the head of your family.

I am going to give you some clues about a weapon.  I want you to guess what weapon I am talking about.

1. It is legal in all 50 states.
2. There are no age limits to operate one.
3. There is no license required to own one.
4. It has wounded and killed more people than all the wars combined.
5. It has a tendency to backfire and even hit people that it was not aimed at.
6. It is the most dangerous weapon in the world.

What am I?

Answer – The human tongue.

Suggestion #2 – Learn to Properly Communicate                                   & Effectively Listen

The Bible has much to say about our use of our words.

Proverbs 21:23, “Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.”  James contributes to this issue by saying, “If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.” (James 1:26)(Read also James 3:2-12).  What we say can leave a lasting impression for good or for bad.  We must be careful what we say.

Now let’s be practical.  Most people understand the need to watch their words and the impact they can make on others.  Where the difficulties often come to play is HOW we communicate and HOW the listeners receive the words being shared.

As I stated in my previous post, I am no expert on this matter however; I do wish to share some tools for you to strongly consider to hopefully help you communicate my effectively.

Tone of Voice

You and I say certain words, but mean different things.  For example, “I love you.”  If this phrase is said in a “sweet” tone, the meaning matches what the words are.  However; if said in a “sarcastic” tone, the phrase means just the opposite of what the words themselves.

Body Language

For many of us, our parents didn’t have to say a word but we always knew when we were in trouble.  When my mom or dad gave me, “the look,” I knew I had done something which displeased them.  We can communicate all sorts of things by how we move our bodies.  Please consider what folding our arms, raising our eye brows, smiling, frowning, crossing our legs, fiddling with a pen, tapping our fingers,  and rolling our eyes add to our verbal language as we communicate with others.  All of these things can be ways of communicating how we are feeling.  Sometimes we do not even realize we are communicating this way.

You and I may each do an excellent job in phrasing our messages perfectly, watching our tone of voice, and properly conveying our message with the proper body language but still struggle to accurately communicate with others.  It may not be as much an issue with communicating as it is with effectively listening to what is being conveyed.

Solomon shares with us some practical advice found in Proverbs 18:13.  Here he states, “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.”  James tells us in James 1:19, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”  It takes skill to be an effective listener.  It is not enough to listen to what is being said.  A good listener learns to listen to what is not being said.

There are some common “blocks” to effective listening which frequently occur when there is conflict between two individuals.  These eight blocks can be detrimental to proper communication.

• Mind Reading – You are trying to figure out what the person is really saying.  For example, “She thinks I am stupid” or “He really wishes that someone else was around to talk with”.
• Comparing – You don’t hear much because you are too busy seeing if you measure you.
• Rehearsing – Your attention is on what you are going to say when it is your turn.
• Advising – You are the great problem-solver, ready with help and suggestions.  While the person is talking, you are pulling together your advice.
• Filtering – You listen to some things and not to others.
• Judging – Making a decision about a person or situation before hearing the facts.
• Dreaming – Half-listening.  Something said triggers a chain of private associations.
• Placating – Right…Right…Absolutely…I know… Of course you are…Incredible…Yes…Really?

Personally, I still seem to have trouble communicating and listening effectively.  A few years ago, I attended a marriage enrichment seminar which allowed me to learn some additional skills to aid me in my quest for better communication.  I also sent out a request to my friends to ask them what advice they would share to be better communicators.  Below you will find some excellent counsel which has been a blessing to my life personally.

Active listening

• Paraphrase short statements back to the speaker showing that you are listening and that you understand.  Clarify by asking questions when you do not understand.  Provide feedback by giving a response after you have paraphrased and clarified the information.
• Listen with empathy – Try your best to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.  Strive to connect with them on an emotional level by considering their experiences and background.
• Listen with Openness – As difficult as it may be at times, don’t allow yourself to be easily offended.  Develop some thick skin and allow the “little” things to go by the wayside.
• Listen with awareness – Be on the lookout for hand gestures, tone of voice, etc. so you can gain a clearer understanding of what is be communicated.

After communicating as clearly as you can, listening as effectively as you know how; guess what?  Conflict may still arise.  This is where couples need to spend much time in meditation and prayer; petitioning His Divine aid in helping us grow closer together and not allow ourselves to fall apart.

How to Deal with Conflict from Brecheen and Faulkner,“What Every Family Needs:

• Clarify The Issue – Make sure you know what the issue is.  Many times by identifying the issue you can stop the argument before it begins.  There may be a simple misunderstanding.
• Repeat their Words – Make short statements back to show that you are listening.
• Choose The Right Time – Arguments that pop up at the wrong time (wee hours of the morning) are unwise to continue.  Put off the discussion until morning or another SET time.  Even if you are very angry; show respect by agreeing on a time and place to discuss and resolve the issue.  Never argue when tired.
• Look Before You Leap – Make sure you are arguing about something necessary.  Many times a couple will begin arguing and after many minutes of frustration, they do not remember what they were arguing over!
• Resolve to Resolve – “68% percent of both husbands and wives say that disagreements are seldom resolved.”  It is very common for an argument to begin over one issue yet within minutes the discussion has had many other issues dragged into it!  Agree on one issue and stick with it until it is resolved.  Go through each issue one at a time!
• Attack The Problem, Not The Person – Never allow the argument to escalate to calling names, dragging things up from the past, yelling or throwing things!  Mud-throwing contests are seldom equal.  Mudslinging usually begins with a statement like: “What you are saying about me is no worse than when you…”  Here comes the mud!  Leave the past alone.
• Pray Before You Begin – This is probably the most uncomfortable and the most important!  If you will bring God into your discussion, it is amazing how must easier it is to control yourself and talk instead of FIGHT!
• Hold Hands – Seems silly, but it works.  It is very hard to argue unfairly when holding hands.  End your discussion in prayer because if earthly lines of communication lines are broke, the chances are it began when you hung up the phone on God!

Finally I wish to share with you additional ways to resolve conflict from a Biblical perspective.

• Learn to drop things – Proverbs 17:14
• Talk rather than avoid – Proverbs 15:23
• Select an appropriate time – Proverbs 15:23
• Do not lose control of your emotions – Proverbs 15:18
• Overcome your pride – Proverbs 13:10
• Watch what you say – Proverbs 13:3
• Resolve Hidden Agendas – Proverbs 18:17
• Learn to make changes  – Proverbs 24:32

I’d love to hear from you.  If you have any additional suggestions for how to improve communication or listening skills, please share your thoughts in the comment section below.